An Introvert's Guide to Party Etiquette

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You don’t want to be there, but you’re inclined to go for one reason or the other. Here is what you should do if you (an introvert) find yourself at a party. If you’re an extrovert, please do not read this article. (To be clear, this is reserved for “normal” parties in homes or apartments. If it’s a function with more than 100 people at another location, you’re on your own).

First off, remain calm. I know that’s useless advice, but try to pretend to be calm. If you’re not a calm person, you can always imagine what it would be like to be calm. Then, you should act out that feeling. This takes a tremendous amount of acting skill. First, I think you should take an acting class. Audit a university-level course where people are being taught Meisner, the Method, and/or some kind of Russian gibberish. This will put you into the mindset of a performer that COULD pretend to be calm. If the instructor asks why you’re there, you should make up a story or run away.

Once you get there, you have to assess the situation. I’ll assume that you know either the host and/or you’re tagging along with a known quantity. I’ll level with you about something. You will be abandoned by this person. You won’t be talking to them for very long. In fact, less than 2% of this party will be spent hanging out with this known person. The rest of the time is about finding a distraction. Sure, you could mingle. It’s a risky proposition. The only trouble is that everyone at this party hates you. How do I know this? Trust me, I know.

So, you have to find a distraction. Here are your three choices: refreshments, pets, and/or emergencies.

“Refreshments” is simple enough. If this party has any sort of food or drinks, use them to your advantage. Not all parties will have both. Nobody under 35 feeds themselves at a party. When more than four people under 35 gather, they don’t know what food is. Keep this in mind if you enter the party on an empty stomach. Utilize whatever they have available and eat/drink slowly. You want to make sure that your mouth is busy and that you’re not caught looking strange. Take tiny bites. Sip your beverage one fluid ounce at a time. This is your best bet to pass the time.

Your next choice is to find a pet. Many people have mentioned this before, but few give you extended tips about what to do next. You must follow it around as if you are it’s temporary caretaker. When people ask, you tell them that you’ve been deputized. This will only work once, get one pity laugh, and buy you some momentary good will in a party where you’re floundering. With any luck, the pet will not judge you for doing this. It will show you unconditional affection for petting it. Bonus points if you can find it some food. To do this, go into the kitchen. If there’s nobody in the kitchen, wait there and pretend you’re looking for something. Once somebody enters, it’s best to act like you’re on your way out.

Emergency is the final category of distraction. This can be as innocuous as a phone call or as serious as a fire. I’ll let you decide how you want to proceed. A phone call lets you escape the party, walk outside, and perhaps buy yourself several minutes. You can have someone call you and pretend that you’re talking to a family member (“Sorry guys, I’ve got the weekly call with grandma. Can’t miss it or she’ll shoot me.”) If you don’t have any friends outside of this party (or at all), just make a scene as you pull out your phone. Make faces at your device. Stomp your way out of the party. Once you’re outside, consider leaving altogether.

This consideration could be your last. You can return to the party or go get ice cream by yourself. Or… well… never mind. It’s not that kind of article. Anyways, it’s best if you look for some windows into the party. If there are no windows, you have to do all of this in your imagination (see Russian gibberish class above). Take a look inside the nearest window, opening, or porthole. If anyone is looking back at you, take note of their expression. Are they happy, angry, scared, or unimpressed? If they’re happy, return to the party with caution. If they’re angry, run. If they’re scared, run. If they’re unimpressed, run and try not to cry. It happens to the best of us.

Let’s face it. Parties are not for you. They weren’t made for you in mind. You’re more comfortable at home. It’s ok. You might find yourself at other parties in your life. If you do, follow the above rules. At the very least, you’re now a highly-trained actor.